kukkanen

We have a son!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D

After 24h in labor a well developed baby boy came into the world Monday the 10th of September. Weighing in at 4481 grams and 55 cms in length, he was the biggest baby born that day.

Exhausted, but happy I have to say becoming a mom is the most wonderful thing that has ever happened to me.

The pregnancy is in week 37 and everything is difficult if not impossible. Can't sleep, just random napping, breathing is difficult, I don't fit into my shoes, horrid heartburn.... and so on. And that is the good bit I tell you.

After spending all of last weekend in hospital, being poked with needles and put into strange looking machines, I had had it. NO MORE! No more waiting for 5 hours for the doctor to get out of surgery to assess my situation. No more nurses with the 'poor darling, lemme puff your pillow' look on their faces, pussyfooting around facts.
Left to right, hard medical fact -thankyouverymuch! Just because I do have fair hair, am female and ready to pop, does not in any way implicate loss of brainpower on my part. At least I don't happen to think so.

Monday comes around and I have an important appointment. When getting ready, I decide to put some make-up on, do my hair and carefully select clothing for the event. Because I honestly have not been feeling pretty, getting dolled up has not been an everyday priority. Basically I've been hanging out at home in comfy pants and tops.
Still at 10 a.m. everything is good. I even manage to eat some breakfast before I go.
15 minutes before this thing, I sit down in the waiting room. I'll tell you that I'm the kind of person who cannot survive without a calendar. If it is written (in the calendar) -then it is so. Like I expected my 11.30 to be. The time comes around and the person I had the appointment with, comes into the waiting area -and calls someone else's name. In a loud voice I make it very clear that I have that time and no-one else. "This other person is booked for 11.30. You have a time next week." OH HELL I DO! And I went to the source on this one. The bitch who had given me this time over the phone, didn't know how to use the booking program. Insert proper curse words and profanity here: _________________________________________________________________________________________!!!!!
I wouldn't have any of it. Demanded to see him straight away. After making a huge scene (note that I was the only preggers woman there) and getting the department head's attention -I finally got to sit down for 45 minutes and have the paperwork sorted out.
There was hyperventilating and I didn't dare take public transportation home, so I called our neighbor to come get me. (Bless her heart.)
Did I mention this was still Monday? So I did.

Tuesday the headaches and things came back, and in to the hospital I went, again. This time the staff was quick -give the girl some meds and let her rest at home. That is what I did. Laid in bed all day, without electricity. There was a power outage that affected 50 000 customers. So there I was, mildly doped up and with no entertainment or company for that matter. The meds did something to my vision, so good old fashioned reading was out of the question.
By the time my hubby came home from work, I had talked to my belly and to out two wonderful cats for hours. Was starting to get a wee bit worried. You know you can only take a conversation with cats so far.

Wednesday idiotic relatives decided to surprise us. Just randomly, with out a heads up, show up on our doorstep. I thought my hubby was kidding me when he said that those people were on our stoop. The way they barged in, all 5 of them, and expected me to be all social in my state... *grrrrh* I told them to pack it up and leave, straight away. Of course they thought I was kidding. This week had me on a rage-roll and it was time to make 'em run. My hubby stood there trying calmly to persuade the relatives to leave, before I exploded.
-You are not welcome here!!! Get the hint! Or feel my baseball bat, dumb-asses!!!

There you have it folks. A great week in aggression land.

Oh and another. What do you call someone who promises something a long time in advance and then totally bails on you? I was expecting company during the times my hubby works, since I can go into labor any day and for that reason alone I don't want to be left to my own means. But hey, there you go, you know who your true friends are in situations like these. It isn't that difficult/ dangerous/ time consuming to lend a helping hand.

Enough of ranting this early in the morning. The belly and I are going to bed now. Thanks for reading.

What's been going on with me? Oh, well..the same old. The belly is getting bigger. I'm in my 26th week and feeling fairly good. Sleep has been a bit of a problem since we are having a heatwave here in Stockholm and the baby is very night active. But other than that I'm good. Boy do I (or should I say we) have an appetite.
During the past two months I have been resting a lot because of back pains. Can't stand up for too long. Doing the dishes, usually takes me 30 minutes. With resting it takes me say over an hour.
All that resting has done me good and I have plenty of energy in store. I'll need it. We are moving to our very own 2 story house on Monday. *sqeeeeeee* Nice, child friendly neighborhood with kindergartens and schools nearby.
I will be posting pics later when we are done with painting the walls and such.

Hope all you guys are doing well and enjoying the summer to the fullest.

Lots of love to one and all.

Spring in Stockholm. The sun is shining, cool breeze in the air and +12C. And for what it's worth the trees are making little leave-buds. Everything is going to go green soon.

The baby is moving and growing. Feels amazing to have somebody growing inside of me. Wonder if the baby will like my mashed potatoes and gravy, or are beans going to be as unappetizing for him/her as they were for me when I was tiny?

My hubby is taking everything rather calmly. His mother flies in tomorrow morning and she is over the moon about becoming a grandma. That is all fine and good. But the fact that I'm in a very cranky-moody sort of period I might end up telling her to get stuffed. So many things have been working against me this week and its only Friday. What am I to do? Nothing. Ce la vie.
Mother-in-law is so out there and she can't understand hints of anything. Telling her of in a subtle way won't have any effect what so ever. I'm a bit afraid over how I'll react.

We have the ultrasound appointment first thing Monday. Honestly, I'm scared senseless. It is such luck that I have a great, supportive hubby by my side come hell or high water. I want to hear the midwife say "it's a healthy baby and things are ok". After that I can start breathing again.

Hoping and Praying it will be ok.

Looking at my new icon, you've already guessed my secret. I'm almost 5 months pregnant!!!!! :D It's our first baby and soon we are moving into our new house.

Boy, has it been a ride. A roller coaster without barf bags. Thankfully I feel a lot better now than I did in the beginning of it all. These were the kinds of messages my body was sending me: you need to eat, but no you'll throw it up anyways, use the toilet, and you have to lay down and rest, on second thought no -you'll be sick if you go horizontal... and all at the same time. Then not to forget all the things that the body does without telling you. The boobs are the first thing to change -fast. Out of all the bras I had there is only one 'regular' one that fits. I'll say this once: my boobs have gotten HUGE! Didn't know my body was capable of that. A bit of tragedy hit me 3 months in to the pregnancy -a third of my clothing had gotten too small for me to wear. My fave skirts, pants and tops were neatly folded into a storage box and put up in the attic. That day I had a fit. Must have used up an entire big box of tissues.

I know that to the people around me I seem calm about it all on the outside. But I'm just little me and I have fears too. One has to consider both the pros and the cons of this adventure, for the sake of realism. In my dreams recently I have come to realize my fears. It feels calming to know that the brain organizes thoughts and thought patterns when you sleep.

May sound silly but I have set daily goals for 'us'. Like take a long walk, throw up only once, make it through a workday and eat enough. We all know that in 4-5 months this will come to an end and then the family life starts. Then things will go on routines as they should with infants.

We don't know what or how many we are getting. I say it's a girl, my hubby says it's a boy (what else would you expect) and two of my close friends have said that it's twins. What is your wager?


If anyone out there has good ideas of baby names, please share them with me. AND NO names like Gerard (no harm intended), Billy-Bob, Fabio etc.... You get the idea.

Happy Valentines Day :D

Just talked to an old schoolmate of mine and I had forgotten how she sees the world. Its all black and white with her. No gray zone in anything. She was so upset because I haven't gone to see her -in Finland. Living in Stockholm, Sweden here. Hello..geography anyone?! That would be quite the trip to go see just her way the hell over there. Plus working a full day and all the other stuff that come with a husband *yay*, gives little time for other things. Heck, I barely see Jen and she lives a 20 minute car ride away.
My mental health has taken a turn for the worse and I'm medicated. Got more meds in store than the local pharmacy. Trying to explain my situation to her was impossible. She is so f*n naive.
"You are just making this stuff up so you don't have to talk to me. Or come see me. You are so..(insert appropriate finnish insults here)...!!!"
Can a person be more full of herself?
Had to tell her to get bent and TRY to realize the world doesn't revolve around her. All right ignorance is bliss, but I pity her, I do.

Want to give a shout-out to all who are aware that the world is gray.
*hugs and love* to you all

I don't deny this unfortunate fact. There is something wrong with me. Can't take care of the house, no energy to even take a shower, do the dishes and worst of all -can't work. Lay in my bed in apathy and stare at the wall. If it were possible I would have stared a hole in the solid concrete behind the drywall and wallpaper. My hubby isn't used to me like this. He is being brave and doing what he can.

All I say is yay for meds and the wonderfully over-educated psychiatrist that listen to our neurosis and untangle the mess of thoughts we have.

Food makes me feel bad. Make myself eat a bit and keep it down. Even if it is a sandwich and an apple.

The multifaceted beings of us women have always fascinated me. All the things we are. Daughters, sisters, friends, mothers, lovers, thinkers and doers, but most of all fighters.
Shit hits the fan. Little by little we find ways to repair ourselves, survive, heal and move on. How has that come to be? We have the love, support and encouragement from other women. We do what it takes to survive.

I have been beaten senseless, kicked, locked up against my will kicking and screaming, hospitalized for physical and mental means. Have had to take more pills and painkillers than I want to or can remember, just to stay alive. Sedate the pain, lie in bed for a month and cry until my tears run dry. Feel my soul tearing apart and making myself bleed just to make sure I'm alive and in this world.

When I was in the darkest place one can imagine, there was no hope, no nothing. Just pain, suffering and tears. There was a thought, an atom of something that told me to endure. And til last night I have never been able to express what that was.
Pan's Labyrinth made me break down. I watched this beautiful piece of cinema and when it ended all floodgates opened. There was no holding back. I cried, convulsed, hyperventilated and let it all go. I cried until there was no more crying to be done. Til my body was heavy as lead and I felt empty. Then I slept.

The strength it has taken to get here, the oceans of tears I have had to cross and all the patching up of my soul that has been done -there is one thing I'm a completely sure of -I regret nothing. Not was has been done or said. I stand for all of it. Because all that has come to pass has made me who I am. Me. Flaws and all. But damn what I smile I have. And no-one will ever be able to take that away.

For all those who appreciate 90's music

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-713263419161973438&q=cow

I was spending a day off work at home. The house was clean, no dirty dishes and laundry was scheduled for another day. My hubby was at work so there was all the time in the world to enjoy some 'me'-time. The phone rang and I had a brief chat with mum. All of a sudden I feel like tossing the phone off the balcony, down to the black wet pavement five floors below. I wasn't upset at mum or anything. I just went: Ick, phone, go away. So I hid it in the couch, under all the pillows and blankets. Then the home phone rang. *damn!* And rang. 'Lalalalalalaaaaa!!!! I can't hear ANYthing!!!' Just wanted it all to go away.
I was popular that day.
Jen called *waves* and I must've sounded really odd on the phone. She is the one I can spend hours upon hours with just talking, about anything. On the phone or over a cuppa tea. But that particular day phones weren't hitting any of my funny buttons. It was a short call. (sorry...)
After that I put all phones on silent and hid them. Got my fave silicone ear-plugs and put them on. Sweet silence. Finally.

For all who have managed to carry a tune, on or off key, to those who drunkenly sang drinking songs on St. Patrick's day, to the shower Cher's and to all those who wish they had the balls to go up on a stage and have a bit of fun...

This, my friends, this is for YOU

Seriously, ask yourself that question and if you can find a better answer than "I gotta use the loo" you are lucky. A great portion of all adults (define it as you wish), get up in the morning because the fire alarm is set to go off in the kitchen Monday thru Friday at 0530. That irritating BEEEEP-BEEEEP or PRING-PRING-PRING that makes you wish you had that 12-gauge handy. *ka-BOOM* and there would be little pieces of alarm clock all over the bedroom floor. *muahahahaah* I have no problems what so ever... nooooo issues with early mornings or clocks. Nope, not me.
You know, we have all been there: running late, forgetting half of the things you were supposed to bring with, having a bad hair day and realizing you're still chewing on that burned piece of toast as you get on the bus. There is a little jam left at the corner of your mouth. No-one points that tiny fact out. Nope, you have to discover that on your own, on the way from the ladies room around lunch time.

...
That last hour at work seems to be the longest hour in recorded history.

On your way home, the tube is crowded and people are just bugging you. Count to three and go to a happy place. One....two....three.... You remember why you are there. You are going home. Away from it all. It doesn't matter if you live in a small city or a big one. It's all the same.

...

When I'm away from home I miss my front door. Don't laugh, I do. That is the one thing that separates me from the rest of the world in such a way that I control it. It is my call if I want to open the door. My decision if the person on my doorstep is allowed to enter or not. And inside that door is my sanctuary. Where my soul rests, where my love lives with me.
There is my reason for getting up in the mornings. To share that day with my husband. With all the good and the bad, laughs and cries. The joy of sharing everyday things with the one person who loves me for what I am.

Finally I'd gotten my stuff together at work, here at home and I even bought a 12-month card to a bath-house. Feeling good I kept going working a full day.

Last night then I felt this tickle in my throat and didn't think much if it. This morning I woke up with a full blown cold. *takes a tissue*

The much feared green mucus has returned. I did go to the doctor and he gave me antibiotics for what he thinks is a bacteria induced condition. Praise to the pharmaceutical companies. Give me the drugs *grin*
You can imagine me here on my bed, wrapped in blankets, used tissues laying around and me with watery eyes and all doped up on whatever the pharmacy lady would let me buy. I'm stocked up.

Pain, broken parts, bad pms, migraines and so forth..I can deal with it. But a cold completely disables me. Hits the breathing apparatus.
I'm of to make some tea. Ick and blah I say, cold, cold go away *waves wand overhead*

All those lonely nights watching sappy Hugh Grant chick-flicks, envying couples out on the town that are sooooo damn lovey-dovey-kissing and holding hands. I want that!!!! I have screamed in my mind uncountable times. The times all you need is a hug, a shoulder to cry on (nest_freemark: thanks for being my friend, you know where I come from), and most of all: that one person to share laundry, late buses, empty milk carts when you just needed it, laughing at the same things and (honestly folks, don't laugh now, you ALL know you do it) if I break wind at home -he wont care.

In short my life has hurt, burnt, kicked me when I was already down, poured more salt in my wounds and stomped my self esteem to almost nothingness. There has always been an ickle ember hidden somewhere in the depths of my despaired soul.

..and THEN....*drum roll* there he was; the man of my dreams. Nowadays I get to fall asleep and wake up next to my fiancee. *sigh* :)



If there is one or more people on your friends list who makes your world a better place just because they exist and who you would not have met (in real life or not) without the internet, then post this same sentence in your journal.

After many exciting and unusual adventures on the planet Tellus, she returns to the intrawebbs to tell tall tales of strange things she has encountered. And she does so by a 10/10 connection from her new elevated (read: 4th floor) apartment.

For the heck of it I tell you my latest score:


Which Programming Language are You?

Miten sen kerkeäisin sanoa? Tiedän miten, mutta milloin? Ohimennen heität katseen minun suuntaan ja joskus hymynkin. Millon saisin heittäytyä kanssasi keskusteluun, pitkään sellaiseen. Katsoa sinua puolella silmällä sunnuntaiaamuna nukkumassa vierelläni, varpaillani kosketella varpaitasi, nenänpäällä koskea poskeasi ja sitten muiskauttaa keskelle suuta. En tarvitse muuta, vain sinun lämpimän kylkesi omaani vasten, hetken, hymyn ja kosketuksen.